I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
