I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
