Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
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