His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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