I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
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