hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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