there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
