And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
