OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
