Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I would ride that face into the sunset
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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