Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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