I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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