I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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