just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
