If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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