i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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