I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just had sex on a roof
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
