No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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