uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
