every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
