we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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