My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
