So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize