my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize