I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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