I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
