i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
