peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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