This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
