ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
...so i touched it.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
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