From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
