Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
