If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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