remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
