dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
