My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
