i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
