I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
