I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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