I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Randomize
