Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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