; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
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