definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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