I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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