Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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