i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
