sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Randomize
