when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
