you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
