I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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