new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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