Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
