Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize