I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
