I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
