Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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